All these babies are in the process of growing and being born around me and I can't help but think about my own baby's entry into the world and the inevitable accompaniment of pain to the process. My feelings on pain and the controversy over its alleviation regularly change, but at their extremes camp out in these two attitudes. After hearing about Tonya's near super-human effort at birthing Cosette sans any pain medication whatsoever, it seemed that the pain was a glorious physical journey not only necessary to the process but the priveledge of the new mother to experience the birth so tangibly. I thought about the women in the fields hundreds of years ago birthing their children with little more than grass and friendship to aid them. How beautiful that picture seems.
But then I visited John and Tonya in the hospital and heard Tonya's mom retell the labor story- all about Tonya's strength, the stretches of time, the contractions, the tunnel vision Tonya experienced where she heard only voices and felt completely taken away by the pain. This story is beautiful too, in its way. Because Tonya is (and I've thought this about her from the first) capable and reasonable and strong. I, on the other hand, am not enough of any of these things to deliver my baby without the most that modern medicine has to offer by way of relieving pain. Tonya is Titania-Amazon queen of mythical forrest. I am just me, spoiled and silly and all talk.
James said last night that he is already more proud of me than he thought he could possibly be; that he thinks I have dealt with the discomforts of pregnancy with both stoic strength and quiet grace and that he doesn't compare me to other women; that he doesn't expect a certain level from me. I am glad... and I think I need to think more in this vein. I am not a failure if I get an epidural, I am choosing the experience, which is a freedom the women in the fields didn't have. It is not important enough to me to feel every tear and strain of the labor process. As Carrie put it, "it's still work, it's still labor, it still hurts with pain medication."
And I don't think the drama or the emotion of the experience will be lost on me. If anything, I have a tendency to overdramatize and emotionalize situations. And I think this will be a big one no matter how much of my lower body is numb.
Hi -- I found your page by accident because I'm eastcokercathy.blogspot.com -- I was psyched to find an Eliot fan!
I read your last post & boy do I identify! What you want from your birth is a healthy baby, that's all that should matter. I had natural my first time but used an "analgesic narcotic (intrathecal)" for my second because I could not go through the pain again. It really took the edge off because the pain was causing me to panic & hyperventilate. It doesn't numb you like an epidural & I could control pushing & feel my legs. I recovered a lot faster & was able to really enjoy time with Bea instead of limping around trying to heal. I thought because women in third world countries push babies out with no relief, why shouldn't I? BUT, it doesn't matter. No one gives out medals for natural childbirth & no one really praised me for it. Most women say "Are you crazy?! Why go through all that pain?" So, get your pain meds & try to be as comfortable as possible. Birthing stories are fun to tell & listen to, but raising your kid is what really matters in the end, not birthing them. I thought I had something to prove the first time around but maybe natural actually made the experience harder than it needed to be...Good Luck! Cathy
Cathy said...
12:20 AM