At the still point of the turning world

I don't think I am alone in thinking that my own voice--on a message machine or a video--sounds so shockingly not like the voice I hear myself speaking with that it always catches me off guard when I hear it, like 'who is that? oh, it's me...is it me?'

I know this phenomenon has to do with hearing the tone of your own voice through the reverberation of your own body or something like that and this makes sense. I have a particularly vivid memory sitting on my mom's lap at thanksgiving and listening to her talk as I leaned my ear against her sternum, hearing the muffled version of her voice and thinking this must be what her voice sounds like to her.

But as my sister Mandy visits us this week with her husband Scott and their new baby Jake, I realized something about my own voice- or maybe just cemented a thought that has floated around for some time. When I am talking with authority or with confidence-the voice I hear talking is Mandy's. And when I am telling a story and I know I am being funny, my voice sounds to me just like my childhood friend Emily's.

I'm sure this is not exactly coincidental or even genetic. I think to some extent I actually emulate these two voices when in the situation where their voice would lend some experience-like I channel them to communicate more fully. Because Mandy-the oldest of my three sisters- as a kid was the big boss of all of us by age and disposition and her voice in this mode sounds sort of cynical and annoyed, like she knows more than you do, thank you very much. We have a home video where she runs the camera, darting around our backyard in New York and barking orders-telling 4 year old me to stop limping (I think I had just gotten a shot). Now grown, this isn't her only tone. She is gentler and more diplomatic and we've leveled out in recent years, both adults, mothers and better friends. But she is a doctor in the military and a naturally electable leader so she's still got authority, even if not over me.

And Em sort of dallies through a story with no real set up or show, like she's sort of complaining about something-not whiny, just matter of fact and spontaneous. But then you are listening to what she's saying and it's hilarious and so unpretentious, like she doesn't even realize herself that it's funny until you erupt in hysterics. So when I am telling something, I use this voice. Not consciously, mind you- I just realized all this this week. But I do; I sound like Em and like Mandy and probably like a number of other people if I think about it. Mostly those two though

So Em and Mandy, you are the voices in my head (for better or worse). Congratulations.